


WORD PROMPT: Sage

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Series: A collection of word/lyric phan prompts [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, TW argument, TW breakup, TW mental illness, phanfic, tw panic attack, word prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:00:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5948215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of my series of drabbles based on word/lyric prompts: <br/>“'I… erhmm,' Phil was fidgeting, uncomfortable, 'I had this crazy idea….'<br/>'And then you decided to turn our kitchen counter into A JUNGLE? What the FUCK, Phil?' Dan flailed his arms and Phil flinched a bit. He didn’t want to fight, but it seemed to be what they did best these days. His silence only aggravated Dan all the more, “aren’t you even going to explain what this crazy idea was?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	WORD PROMPT: Sage

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my tumblr blog as a part of the lyric/word prompt challenge. Hope you like it!
> 
> TW: Panic attack, mental illness (not specified), breakup / arguing

“What the-… PHIL?”

“Yeah?”

Phil looked up from his laptop screen, still in his browsing position, to stare at the door as Dan came in. He looked puzzled, but also angry at something, so Phil was just frantically trying to remember what he did that could piss the younger one off again. It’s been happening way too often recently and it bothered him so much to think about that.

 _Oh, wait,_ Phil thought, eyes going wide before looking down, trying to hide the knowing look in his eyes. He remembered what he did now and he was already faking a smile, trying to get away with it the best way he could: by feigning innocence, of course.

“Why are there THREE different potted plants in our kitchen counter?” Dan crossed his arms, raising his voice in annoyance, “not ONE, not TWO, oh no, but THREE FUCKING PLANTS!”

OK, he couldn’t exactly charm his way out of this one, Phil realized. He was thinking about how to explain his crazy idea to Dan, but it didn’t seem like he would be willing to listen to much. The awkward silence stretched as Dan just stared at him.

“So..?” he prompted, gesticulating at Phil to get a move on with his explanation already.

“I… erhmm,” Phil was fidgeting, uncomfortable, “I had this crazy idea….”

“And then you decided to turn our kitchen counter into A JUNGLE? What the FUCK, Phil?” Dan flailed his arms and Phil flinched a bit. He didn’t want to fight, but it seemed to be what they did best these days. His silence only aggravated Dan all the more, “aren’t you even going to explain what this crazy idea was?”

“ I won’t if you just keep yelling at me!” Phil yelled back, voice going embarrassingly high-pitched. Dammit, he hated how emotional he got into these little bickering disputes with Dan. He felt his eyes going slightly damp, but he held the emotion back.

Dan took a deep breath then. He seemed to deflate, all the anger left him as he dropped down next to Phil on the sofa, defeated, putting his head in his hands for a minute and taking deep breaths. It was obvious that he hated the fighting as well, so Phil didn’t really understand why he kept doing it in the first place. They used to be so happy, he still didn’t understand what had really changed lately.

“I’m sorry, Phil,” he breathed out, voice muffled by his hands, “please, do tell!” the sarcasm was still there, but he seemed to be trying to hold his temper back and was willing to listen to Phil. The older boy was grateful for the truce for once.

“You know how we never find herbs easily for cooking and stuff? I was going through a shop and they were selling these potted plants for your kitchen. I just thought it would be a good idea to have them handy! I got some chives, rosemary, and some sage too,” he stopped, looking at Dan’s thousand yard stare. He didn’t seem to be all there and he wondered if the younger boy was actually listening, “Dan? If you don’t like it, we don’t need to keep them,” Phil complemented, waiting for his response.

Unable to bear looking at Dan’s face anymore, Phil looked down in shame as the other boy kept quiet. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea! Maybe it sounded better on his head and Dan hated it. He felt suddenly so anxious about the whole thing. He definitely should have asked, but he liked to do things without thinking sometimes. It was just the way he was!

Phil was surprised to hear a sputtering sound, followed by Dan’s loud laugh as he leant back on the sofa. Phil just stared at him, eyes wide and confused. Dan just kept laughing hysterically, slapping his own knee and struggling to breathe. Phil was so confused he didn’t know what to do, so he just stared unblinkingly at the younger boy. When he finally stopped, Dan had to wipe away the tears before saying anything, voice still trembling with repressed laughter.

“Are you telling me… Oh dear, are you… This is too good, WAIT,” he kept laughing loudly, quite rudely in Phil’s opinion. The older boy was pouting at him, crossing his arms. When he regained a little bit of his self control, still chuckling, he continued, “you’re telling me I almost lost my shit over you buying herbs for you to COOK? Since when do you actually cook anything that would EVER need anything like that?”

“I just thought it would be a nice idea,” he still pouted, but he was getting really annoyed deep down. He tried to hold it in, though, still looking at Dan, “What if I want to have a nice dinner and use it? What’s the harm?”

“You’re talking like a real housewife there, Phil,” Dan laughed again, but his voice was more aggressive again. Maybe he caught on Phil’s annoyance and was throwing it right back him. Well, Phil was having none of that today.

“Well, I didn’t do it just to spite you, if that’s what you thinking,” Phil mumbled, letting the anger flood back into his tone. Dan seemed to rise to the challenge, eyebrows rising.

“Excuse me if I want to know what you bring into OUR house! Excuse me for caring, Phil! Would it be too much to ask you to tell me stuff before I have to find it all by myself?”

“I don’t want to fight with you right now. Will you please let it go?” Phil complained, huffing and starting to turn away.

“Oh, yeah? Well, don’t you play innocent with me! You and I both know this whole thing is on you!” Dan exploded, getting up. Phil felt his jaw clenching shut in anger, but he never got up. He just stared at Dan, still hurt.

“What exactly, Dan? Spell it out for me!” He hissed, as Dan opened his arms, looking tall and threatening all of a sudden. Deep down he knew Dan would never hurt him, but he looked intimidating, his eyes burning with repressed fire.

“You know damn well what you did, Philip Lester! I don’t need to spell anything out for you,” Phil felt the anger burning deep into his gut and he got up, fixing his posture so his shoulders looked larger and he looked more intimidating. Dan got taller over the years, but Phil still felt like he was broader than him.

“Is it all about a stupid houseplant? FINE, I’ll throw it out, I don’t care,” Phil stared him down, growing colder by the second, “I just can’t handle you going off at me all the time Dan! You keep going on and on about every single thing I do and I’m done with this! I can’t handle it, anymore, Dan,” the only sign of weakness was his voice shaking a bit. Dan’s eyes were wide now and he was shaking his head ever so slightly, finally realizing what their pointless argument was causing.

“P-Phil, no…”

“I love you, Dan. That won’t change. But… Do you?” Dan nodded, eyes wide, and Phil could see the tears gathering there, “well, lately I just can’t tell!”

“What are you saying?” Dan asked, eyes wide with fear. Phil just stared at him with a stern expression, making it very clear. Dan’s breath hitched suddenly as he retreated a step, “Y-You're… Breaking up with me,” Dan whispered, seemingly shell-shocked by the whole situation.

Dan’s legs seemed to give away. He fell more than actually sat down on the couch, tears finally falling. Covering his face with his hands, Dan to preserve some dignity. The whole motion broke Phil’s heart into pieces, so he sat down next to the boy and tried to grab his shoulder, only to be violently shrugged off by a jerky motion.

“G-get off m-me…” Dan stuttered, trying to get away.

“Dan, please. Listen to me, Dan,” Phil insisted, without touching him this time, “I can’t keep doing this. Not if we’re going to fight every day! Are you listening?” he nodded slightly, but he didn’t seem to be all there at all, “I need you to tell me what’s wrong with us. I can’t handle this anymore, Dan. It’s been almost a year! Is that still about that video? Everyone is past it except for you, I just want to understand what is going on with you. Help me understand, Dan,” he felt the tears choking him a little bit as well. He hated fighting with Dan and that was why he was doing this, but seeing Dan crying hurt so much, it almost made him want take it all back. But he couldn’t, not now.

“I-I…” Dan started, but the tears didn’t let him continue. He let out a pitiful sound and Phil noticed how much he was shaking. It hurt him so much to see him breaking down, “I-I-I need…” he was breathing too fast and Phil was genuinely scared now. Was he having a panic attack? What was going on?

Dan quickly got up, swaying slightly. He ran to the kitchen and Phil followed, still shocked about the turn of events. He followed the younger boy into the kitchen, just in time to see him collapse on the corner, one of his arms taking down one of the accursed houseplants that started the whole fight. Phil couldn’t care less about the plant right now, falling to his knees in front of the distressed boy.

“DAN! Dan, talk to me!” he called, but the boy didn’t seem to be quite there. He was slumped against the wall and Phil could see he was definitely on his way to hyperventilating. A panic attack, then, Phil concluded. His hand was grasping at his own shirt, probably trying to tear it away, feeling like the fabric was suffocating him, “Dan, you need to breathe with me, ok? Come on, Dan, you’re alright, just breathe with me.”

Putting Dan’s hand on his own chest, Phil tried to even out his breathing to try and help him. It took a while until he actually calmed down a bit, already drenched in cold sweat. He relaxed a bit against the wall, letting out a tiny sigh and Phil finally let himself relax. He tried to get up, but Dan held tightly to his shirt and looked at him with sad imploring eyes.

“I’m just going to grab you a cup of water. Is that okay?” the boy nodded, looking so much younger at this exact moment that it made his heart ache.

Phil cringed as soon as he had his back to Dan. That was really bad and now he felt really guilty. He didn’t mean to hurt Dan at all, he just wanted to know what was actually happening between them. He hadn’t even seen Dan actually have a panic attack in a long time, and the thought that it was his fault plagued him.

“Here it is,” Phil said, softly, offering Dan the glass. The boy took it, but his hand was shaking so hard the water was going everywhere. Phil shook his head fondly and brought it to Dan’s lips, carefully tipping the glass so he wouldn’t gulp the water down too fast,

“I’m sorry, Dan.”

“Not your fault,” he mumbled, eyes more alert now, even though he seemed like he would fall asleep at any minute.

“I shouldn’t have pushed you so much.”

“I deserved it,” Dan said, wincing, “I’ve been such an asshole to you, Phil. I’m so sorry,” his hand latched weakly to Phil’s shirt again, and the other boy shuffled closer.

“We don’t have to talk now. You need to get some rest after that,” he replied, not denying the fact that Dan was being unreasonable earlier.

“No,” he whined, shaking his head, “we do have to. Can we just.. Move back to the sofa?” Dan asked, the fact that he would need help was implicit, but Phil understood it loud and clear.

He agreed, helping Dan to his feet and supporting his shaky frame back to the lounge. They slumped on the sofa together again and Dan covered his face with his shaking hands again, breathing deeply. He seemed to be struggling so much to get any words out that it made Phil want tuck him in and leave this whole discussion for later.

“Seriously, Dan, I think this is too much for you right now. It can wait,” Phil insisted with a soft voice, kindness seeping into his tone.

“Wait.”

The boy didn’t say anything for a while more, probably trying to calm down enough to do it. Phil silently waited for him to regain his composure so that he could explain himself. He knew maybe he should be more adamant that Dan should rest instead of letting him go through with it, but he knew Dan wouldn’t back down easily. After the strong reaction he had to the possibility of breaking up, Phil was actually really curious. He didn’t seem to have lost interest in their relationship if he reacted that badly to a fight, right?

“Look, Phil,” he paused, a huge sigh leaving his lips, “I’m not dumb. I understand that you were breaking up with me e-earlier,” he clenched his jaw as his breath hitched, his body betraying the pain brought by the words he was saying, “I get it, ok. I’m the worst fucking boyfriend on Earth right now.”

“I just want to understand, Dan,” Phil held his hand, tears coming back to his eyes, “we were so happy. What went wrong? Why are you acting like this?”

“I’m just… I’m really stressed,” he sighed, eyes finally meeting his boyfriend’s, “I’m not doing as well as I try to make it look like. I’ve been having some really dark thoughts and… I don’t know, ever since that video got unprivated the internet has been just… It’s been hell for me, because I’m not ready to face that pressure. Phil, I didn’t mean to say all these things,” Dan held his hand tighter, probably seeking comfort “ and I didn’t mean to keep arguing with you over every stupid thing. I don't… I don’t know what to tell you,” he shrugged, meeting Phil’s eyes, “but I know these are my issues and none of this is your fault. You should…” he paused, a small whimper leaving his lips, “You are right! I don’t deserve you, Phil. I never actually did,” the tears started to fall again and he couldn’t contain the sobs being torn out of his chest.

Phil felt the tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t even realize! He always thought Dan just blamed him for the video and got angry with him and that was why he was so irritable. He didn’t know things were getting that bad for his boyfriend. He didn’t know that was how Dan felt about himself! He couldn’t just erase every single fight, but his heart hurt at the thought of Dan facing all of his demons alone in his own room, under the guise of preparing a new video, something he had been doing far too much these days. Now he understood why. He had just thought that Dan wanted to be away from him, but it looked like there was more to it.

“The panic attacks! How often…?” Phil asked, afraid to know the answer.

“Too often, if you ask me,” was the answer he got, with a self-deprecating half laugh.

“Why haven’t you told me any of this before?”

“I couldn’t! I was already being so mean to you all the time,” He tried to wipe away the tears, but there were always more, “I-I… I wasn’t brave enough to do it.”

Phil didn’t say anything. He just roughly pulled the boy closer, holding him as tight as he could. Dan started to sob harder against his chest and he held him like the most precious thing he had ever touched. He couldn’t believe he was oblivious to everything that was going on with Dan! It was just preposterous to know that Dan’s harsh words were enough to push him away right when he needed him the most!

“It’s okay, Dan. We’re going to work through this,” he swayed Dan slightly and felt him cling even tighter to his tear-stained shirt, “We’re going to be okay! You won’t have to hide anymore, ok? You need to tell me what is happening with you, though. I can’t have you just locking yourself away again. I need you to talk to me, Dan,” he murmured in the boy’s ear and Dan sobbed harder, nodding.

“I-I promise!”

“Good!” Phil smiled to himself, holding him tighter.

He kept whispering reassurances to the boy, who seemed once again so small in his arms. Dan seemed to be too exhausted after a while, almost melting against him. Phil just held on to him, swaying their bodies slightly. He knew the boy would be drowsy after all that excitement, so he expected him to just fall asleep on his chest any moment soon. He was surprised to find him looking up at him, sad eyes finding Phil’s.

“Are we… Still,” Dan begun, seemingly too scared to ask what he really wanted to.

“What?” Phil was genuinely confused, staring down at him. Dan just smiled slightly at him, reassured by his confusion. He planted a soft kiss on Phil’s lips and it tasted salty from all tears, but it felt like home. Despite being surprised by the gesture, Phil’s brain caught on to his previous question, “Oh! Of course! Well, if you still want to…?” he tried to make it sound reassuring, but it came out as a question.

“Of course I still want to be your boyfriend, you idiot!” Dan answered, some of his spark coming back to his eyes. He tried to lower them both to lay down on the couch, bodies still entangled. Phil smiled at his antics, but resisted the pushing.

“Dan, no! I’m starving, come on! I need to cook something for us,” he argued and Dan pouted, letting go of him, “we can cuddle later.”

“What are you going to make?” Dan questioned as his boyfriend got up.

“Well, it’s not going to be anything with sage on it, because SOMEONE’S giraffe limbs took the plant down with him a few minutes ago,” Phil mocked and Dan laughed loudly, enjoying the banter.

“Good, I hate that hideous thing!” Dan answered, fake shuddering, “But go do it quick, I need cuddles!” Phil smiled at his ridiculous boyfriend. It was hard to believe a few minutes ago they had their biggest fight and he actually considered breaking it off with this dumbass. Shaking his head and walking away, he yelled back at Dan from the kitchen:

“Coming right up, you plant-hater!”


End file.
